Primordial Chaos

The problem with me is I think so much about so many things that my focus shifts a lot. I had this post I wrote Friday I meant to post, but haven't and now I have something else I'd rather say. Maybe I'll post it with tomorrow's.

I'm in this phase in my life where I'm exploring the world around me and who I am in relation to it and what effects I have on it and it on me. This would be great but I don't understand me. AT ALL. I don't get why I feel a certain, why I think this or that, even some of my likes and dislikes I don't comprehend. I don't know what makes me tick and I don't know everything that lights me up, or can even see why something would or would not appeal to me. I don't understand my emotions, which of course are just about as complicated as possible right now. I don't know why I think about things that upset me to think about. I don't know why I care about them. I don't know quite how to adjust my feelings either, I mean I just don't goddamn know and this frustrates me endlessly. But someone does.

No it's not Droid. :P It's Warren. Granted he's the one complicating a lot of things. He knows it, I know it, this isn't a secret. But he gets me. He knows what makes me tick and is rather damn accurate, not that I EVER tell him so, on knowing what I will and will not like based on things I've said, on topics from food to movies. THIS BLOWS MY MIND. As he put it recently, he's an "Aeris Whisperer". I don't have to explain to him, he just knows. He's called me out on shit when it was just through text, I don't know how he knew I was full of shit. I'm not foreign to him, I'm incredibly familiar. This also means NO ONE can piss me off faster than him. But no one can calm me down as fast either. He's taken me from tears to laughs in a few minutes with a conversation about trailer park pizza, and from screaming kind of upset to a calm tone in under one minute. He's also pissed me off just as fast and many more times than he's calmed me down. He's got direct lines to my mind, my heart and even to the very core of my being. He provokes and inspires me to open up, try new things and not be so closed down. I'm badass and strong, no doubt. But he is my Achilles' heel. I've said for a while he will be my downfall, and that's what I mean. In spite of me being incredibly strong and smart overall, he is my deadly weak spot. Were anything to happen to him...it would bring me to my knees. How I feel for him is my weak spot specifically for him. He knows if he wants to get me good, that's the place to strike.

It's a two way street, but it's not quite the same way from me to him. It works differently. What is the same is that I am his weak spot and am directly connected to the deeper parts of him. I can piss him off pretty quick, but it's much harder for me to get him to calm down. He's really good at getting stuck in a mindset/mood and going with it, even if it's not the best idea. Exhibit A and B are 5 week and 3 month time periods respectively. (Ahem.) It's more I temper him. He can be EXCESSIVELY intense. I'm not the panacea, but he knows I get rather upset when he gets intense, so he tones it down, usually, for me. He starts to giggle once I start to giggle, and for the most part I put him into a good humor and we act silly. He can be a hardass, but I can usually soften him up a bit. :) He has a soft spot for me, for sure.

We're absolute best friends. Despite the fact we drive each other batshit, when the other is gone we're fucking miserable. We can't go a day without touching base with each other, and for me I start feeling off if we do. I keep saying this and I know only he and I get it, but we can't disconnect. Both of us, for better or worse, have tried to walk away, to get rid of the other. This does not work. Not only do we hurt the other person, but we're just hurting ourselves too. I think we've finally figured this out. Sorta. Hopefully.

We don't know why we're bonded so closely or what this even is. It just is and we need to just go with it. It fucking shifts and changes all the time. This frustrates me because I never know what level we're operating on. That's super important to me because there's a disparity on how we feel about each other. Well, hold on. That needs to be reworded. There's a disparity in what direction we want to go in. Maybe what we're ready for? Fuck. I'm trying to explain the issue, because it's probably our major source of tension, but I can't seem to nail it down. I want more of an intimate/romantic relationship than he does, there we go. Typical emotionally distant guy bullshit :P At first I thought it was I felt stronger than he does or he didn't/couldn't/wouldn't see me that way. But now I'm pretty sure we feel the exact same way, just how we want that to manifest is different. Despite that it irks me, I'm slowly starting to see it a little more his way. Slow down, chill out, and we go where we go. The other isn't going anywhere, despite whatever current tirades/promises to God we make about never speaking again, so we don't have to push it. Which I think was what I was trying to do. Force us into a label, a box. Our relationship runs the spectrum, and it really needs to do so, that's just how it is. It can't be "just friends" or "just lovers" or "just boy/girlfriend" or "just that asshole I wanna slap". We flux and oscillate and it's one hell of a ride, we're not just one thing but EVERYTHING to each other. That's another thing he has pressed upon me, going with the flow. I'm working on it, trying not to be so systematic and rule bound. If it came down to it and he was in a situation where he had to decide to be in my life or not, he'd choose me. I don't doubt that. And if I would shut up and look a little more often, I'd see that tells me everything I need to know.

Or I'm so fucking dead wrong and I'm gonna get a text later that says "What the hell are you going on about in your blog, I just don't see you that way" and/or "Well, I MIGHT choose you...". After that another sworn promise to God I'm going to walk away from him, and another sworn promise to God I'll break. And down the road another post rather similar to this, most likely.

It should have been obvious to me that to be involved in one form or another with someone JUST like me would mean it would be TWICE as complicated as usual. I love him, but he doesn't want the kind of relationship I do. So I start wishing I didn't feel like I do. But if I ever managed to accomplished that (I've been trying off and on for months) then he and I wouldn't have what we have and we wouldn't be as close or possibly close at all. I'm so conflicted and frustrated. *sigh* I don't think he gets it either, the rather unpleasant fence on which I'm forced to sit. I wish he understood. Maybe he doesn't because I'm way off base overall? Maybe he's just a dense jackass? (That's my guess) Maybe he refuses to acknowledge it because somewhere I'm wrong about things, but correcting me leads to a conversation he doesn't want to have. (You know, like all the ones that involve me trying to sort my feelings out)

I scream his name as a curse when he is around, and scream his name in agony when he's not. He loves it. Asshole. :P I don't think he'd ever tell me directly how he feels, but I'm sure if I stop obsessing, I will see he is saying it all the time.

Warren, what the fuck am I going to do with you?

~A.