Primordial Chaos

Taken Away From by Ben Westbeech. It's more the feeling and mindset the song describes than the actual lyrics that are relevant. However this line is especially relevant: "One day, you will find out that whatever and whatever will be."



I'm so full of shit, the lyrics are relevant, but not to this post. I miss you know who. = /

Studying French all day today, well practicing speaking anyways. It's funny, in English I'm a terrible speaker but fantastic writer. In French, I'm a wonderful speaker, but my writing kind of sucks. Go figure. Needed to take a break and what better reason than my blog. :P

I'll be glad when this semester is over. I need to decompress so bad. I get so intense about school, but I also stress myself out. My parents really stressed education to me when I was growing up. To the point where B's were unacceptable kind of stressed. In hindsight it was unreasonable, I think, because that's a lot of stress on a kid. Trust me, I know. :P However, I never lost that mindset. Even now I feel like a failure if I get a B, even if it's a really hard class or professor and I'm top of the class with a B. I'm not sure why I thought I was going to waltz into a 4 year university and get it all right the first time, especially since it was years ago I took some of the pre-reqs they used to get me into higher level classes. Like I said, I get intense about school. I'm really trying to lighten up on myself, I don't need to be perfect. I can't be perfect.

At the same time though, I get down on myself because I am sure I can do better than that, and sometimes I think there was no reason for me not to do better. Maybe there wasn't, but I will say I take the most hits when it comes to tests. For whatever reason (I'm actually pondering this right now) I rock standardized tests like SAT and ACT, but in class tests I tend to have some issues. I think in most of my classes so far, I'll score As on the homework but take hits on the tests. I think it may be the different environments. With homework I'm usually at home, no pressure, no immediate time constraints, I'm most likely sprawled out on the floor...with tests I'm in class, lots of other stressed out people around me, I have about an hour or 2 hours for finals to get all of this done, sitting at an uncomfortable desk most likely made for right handed people so I'm having to write turned funny in the seat to write across my body and be looking at the test...two very different worlds. However, this semester I'm doing things differently, dammit. Dressing very comfortable, luckily there's already lefty desks built into the 2 rooms where I'm testing, and I'm going to make sure to sit away from others. I want to recreate my homework environment as much as possible so I will relax. This is also why I've set my rule of no studying 24 hours or less before a final exam, so I can just chill out before the test. I'll let you know how that works for me, but I'm suspecting a positive change.

I mentioned how I need to lighten up on myself for not being perfect. I'm painfully aware of every imperfection I have...academic, physical, mental, verbal, whatever. The logical and rational way to handle this is to think everyone including myself has room for improvement. I just see them as possible barriers to one thing or another. My mother is the exact same way, and we both have Driver personalities, a personality type that basically wants things done now, their way, and done perfectly. Let's go with results-oriented, because that's exactly what I'm referring to. She was depressed her first Master's GPA was a 3.92. Crazy, right? I'm depressed I don't have a 4.0. Despite being in 5 different honors, 3 national and 2 university, I really can't get over my fucking GPA.

I can see I'm being irrational and am expecting too much of myself to the detriment of myself, but it's a very hard mindset to conquer. I guess I feel like I have to prove myself and/or validate my existence through every little detail about me. I don't though. I think someone could take a look at me and what I've accomplished overall recently, and think "wow, she's really something". Quite a few people and honor societies have, even. Hell, I had an Ivy League professor of quantum physics tell me straight up I'm smarter than him recently. But I'm still not good enough for me. I really struggle with that. Think about some of my previous posts, actually. The ones that at first glance might seem I am merely admitting my faults...are most likely me beating myself up over something and putting all the blame on me. I even do this with things that affect me, but that I can't control or didn't even play a part of. I think about things I could have done differently a lot.

For a fantastic example of me slapping myself, December 3rd's post titled Complicated. I talk about feelings I don't understand and how those feelings and situations affect me and others. To quote myself:

"As to be expected, people get sick of me and leave. I actually expect this of everyone that gets close to me because it's happened so often."

Blatantly blaming myself. Beating myself up pretty bad, really. It's to be expected that people get sick of me? AND I rationalize it? Jesus Christ, Aeris, that's fucking harsh. I'm really good about forgiving everyone else about their mistakes, flaws, imperfections, whatever. I don't stay mad or upset for too long. This does not apply to myself. Ever. At all. Fuck, I will BLAME MYSELF for bringing out flaws in people. I know this is stupid and irrational and a terrible way to live...but it is a very very hard mindset to break. Being the perfect everything in every way for every one won't make me happy. I don't know why I'm so obsessed with trying to achieve that. Being the best damn me will make me happy. Success defined by my terms, achieved my way, in my time...but also recognizing that I do make mistakes and said mistakes may throw my path off a little or a lot, but that having to do things a different way, taking a different route to get there also means new adventures previously unexplored and/or thought of and DOES NOT mean I've failed in some major way or that my destination is now unreachable.

I'm smart and I'm strong, more so than I EVER give myself credit for. There is no reason for this. I have no reason to feel insecure or inferior. I guess the first step is admitting you have a problem and seeing how it's a problem. I think now I'll look for the reason why this is and address that. I have to do it head on, no mercy no fear, or I will be right back here again. It's fear that has kept me from dealing with this and keeps me from conquering this. Fear of failing if I'm not so hard myself, fear of rejection by others if I accept and forgive myself for my mistakes that upset them instead of chastising myself and punishing myself to prove to them I am sorry....fear of myself and what really lurks in those dark places where things like this exist.

How fucked is this? One of my major flaws is my obsession with having no flaws. I'm fucking ridiculous. This is an opportunity for me to grow. But talking/writing about it won't get me there. I need to stop it completely. Now seems like a good time to start, yeah?

~A.