Primordial Chaos

I'm tired as I write this. My insomnia has exponentially increased in severity lately, mostly because I'm in a bit of turmoil. I wish I was just stressed out, I sleep more (like 10+ hours a day) when I am stressed. When I'm tormented, 3-4 hours is a GOOD night. Anyways, my being tired is a disclaimer that I do not have my filters on nor am I choosing my words carefully.

Let's start with the bad. I shattered my right elbow, have two fractures in my right wrist, and a bunch of ligament and cartilage damage in the same wrist as well. A skateboard kicked my ass, basically. Luckily I'm left handed. Never had a cast on in my life before, have a full arm cast on my right arm now. Took some adjusting to, but now I kinda don't notice it. I got a blue cast, of course. Love the color blue.

Of course, this means I can't run/exercise because of sweating in the cast, but more importantly, I can't play my treasured guitar. Not having my guitar to funnel myself into is basically making me (more) depressed. I have all kinds of song ideas bouncing in my head I want to flesh out, but can't. If there was ever a time I needed my guitar, this is probably it.

I miss my best friend, somehow everything that was so right swung all the way to so wrong. I have this giant hole in my life and heart that will never be filled. Trying to keep my head up publicly, but in private....The Smokey Robinson song "Tears of a Clown" comes to mind.

The good is for sure my elbow will recover 100%, wrist I won't know until my MRI next week or so. Also, I'm on my school's Diversity in Medicine committee and I landed a nice gig at the Mind Institute doing research on alcohol dependency where I get to play with neuroimaging equipment. So, this is shaping up to be an exciting and busy semester. Hopefully it keeps me distracted from other crap.

Also this semester I'm applying to transfer to another college. UNM is alright, but I am looking for and need more academically and also need more within my field of interest. The complete list I'm keeping close as hell to my chest, but I've leaked out a school or 2 to some of you. My final list total is 8. When I get decisions in the spring, I'll let ya know who accepted me. My #1 choice has this program I'm so excited about and really want to get involved in. I'll probably post here and on Twitter when apps go out and when decision letters come in. Getting butterflies thinking about it!

So they gave me oxycodone for my arm pain, but I didn't use it until about 7 this morning when I got knocked over by the dogs and banged my cast. Holy shit, I was sick to my stomach until 3pm. Forget that crap. How the hell do people get strung out on it? Yeesh.

Thank you to everyone who has been cheering me on and cheering me up lately. Despite my sullen mood I do appreciate it.

Can't focus to write much longer, going to sleep. The sun rises tomorrow, and despite how I feel, so must I.

~A.