Primordial Chaos

I had high hopes for 2009, but those are all currently splattered on the jagged rocks below. Yes, I'm being a wee bit emo and pessimistic, but I'm really coming from a dark place right now. 2008 was such a dismal year, not just personally but for everyone with the economy and all. I was hoping 2009 would start off better than 2008. I wanted everyone to welcome 2009 with open arms and for this year to bestow those around me with much more joy and prosperity than that son of a bitch 2008.

That's not how it's going at all.

My last surviving grandparent passed away at the beginning of January. That's a whole generation of history, my history even, gone. That really bums me the fuck out.

My mom is still pretty eh since her car accident, she's in pain everyday and it kills me to see a woman who I know as a very driven hardcore person have to slow down and compromise her life and her actions because of pain. I know it's driving her crazy too.

This one is pretty major to me, a VERY VERY VERY VERY close friend of mine and I are, well, no longer friends. I was straight up told in a text message he wanted nothing more to do with me. I'm not going into the details or circumstances, we had our disagreements, but everytime before we'd managed to reset back like nothing happened. I don't know what went wrong this time, and this is a MAJOR loss to me. It was within the past couple of weeks that he told me he was glad he knew me and was glad we were close. I felt no tension or stress between us, but then...something went wrong, and I can't pin it down what would cause THIS after one of our spats. I'm so far down I'm not even eating. I hadn't let anyone get that close to me in many years. And of course I don't want to ever again right now, the defense mechanisms are kicking in. My other friends have noticed my drastic drop in mood, since I was riding pretty high about school starting, being in the honors programs, etc., and they're checking up on me. Every couple of hours one of them will text, call, instant message, or email me, to make sure I'm ok, give me some comforting words, and remind me of my own worth and value. I don't feel like I have any after being tossed aside like that. I am grateful for everyone who has been trying to cheer me up and keeping me from completely withdrawing from the world. I feel like I lost a part of myself, but I am glad there are those who know me who are trying to remind me that piece isn't lost forever. Thank you guys, especially you, J.E. Working on our 6th year of being friends and you're still the best relationship I've had with a male ever, romantic or not.

As I mentioned, it's back to school time for me, I go back on Jan. 20th. I am taking 19 credit hours, including an honors course. I am actually looking forward to school, I completely thrive in an academic environment. I could also use the distractions from some of the other things going on in my life. I'll be up at 6 am every morning! I'll really have to change my sleeping habits around to make sure I am well rested everyday. I'm really going to ty and graduate as fast as possible, with as many honors as I can grab in the whirlwind of my being there.

I slept horrible last night, obviously I was pretty distressed. It's not even 9 here and I am quite tired already. I think it's time for some much needed rest, both for my body, and my mind.

I think too much.