Primordial Chaos

In a weird turn of events, todays post is written by Ryan. (me) The story behind it is I was bugging Aeris about her blog and her posts and I didn't know of it until this week. I found it fascinating to read and I've read it multiple times. Today at lunch I was going on about it again and somehow it gave Aeris an idea. She made me a logon so I could post under my name. She also didn't want to have to label who is saying what. Lazy bum! I'm sure she will come in and add her comments to this, but her idea was for me to give a different view of Aeris. That and she is working on her final project due early next week. She talks about herself with a strong bias like everyone does. I told her I'd be honest so I will. I really like this idea that in a way I'm connecting to people important to Aeris that are far away as well as here in ABQ. And maybe showing a different view of her. The title is from a song, keeping with her theme, and it's the song I took her nickname from. It's from N.E.R.D., a band we both love. The song is "Don't worry about it".
I'm so glad for spellcheck, I can butcher up some words. And I really want to clearly state how she has affected my world because she does the same thing to everyone. Knowing her is life altering.
Kinda hard to just go on a stream of consciousness about her. I definitely do not have her mind to where I can just ramble coherently in writing like she can. I guess I'll just start anywhere. She mentioned why we're not serious, and the situation kinda sucks. I signed up to spend a semester in Japan, and I leave in a couple weeks. I like being around her, she is sweet and mind blowingly smart. She always catches me in logic traps I can never see coming even when looking. She told me a story of doing that to someone who then called her socrates. I found that pretty funny because that is exactly what it is like. But I committed to this program and can't back out now. She already made it clear she'd stop hanging out with me if I did back out. She has a very strong idea about education coming first and she has a solid point about it. That doesn't mean I will miss her any less, because I know I will. But she is right about education. I may regret saying she is right later, her ego needs no help. :P
She is very different from the rest of the world. She sees things incredibly differently and her opinions are different because of that. She goes against the grain just as belligerently as she can. I like all that about her. She doesn't wear makeup, doesn't get gussied up every morning, doesnt keep up with all the fashion trends. She has a very childish curiosity and personality in a good way. She's like a big kid who loves to laugh and play and she has reminded me that even though I am an adult I can still laugh and play. She's more like a best friend than anything else. As much as she goes on when she writes is about how much I go on when I talk. Aeris may not talk a lot, but she is a fantastic listener. Well, when she is not distracted. I figured out pretty quick if you talk to her while her attention is strongly elsewhere, what you said did not get heard. When she is actively listening, she hears everything. I thought I was boring her with a story I was telling about my crazy uncle so when I stopped to ask if she wanted me to go on, she said yes. I said it seemed like she wasn't listening but then she told me the story back with most of the details. I was impressed.
She has a presence or air about her that is very commanding. Even if she is dead quiet, when she walks into a room you can tell. It's like she is surrounded by her strength and you can feel it. She's not a helpless girl, and that is just awesome. I've been with girls who basically as the relationship progressed leaned on me more and more for everything. I had a girl who wanted me to move her couch like 4 feet over and called me at midnight for me to come over and do it. I asked her why couldn't she push it over. She told me it was my job. I told her I quit and dumped her. Aeris prefers to do her things her way. She seems to be doing ok that way :)
The next word in my mind about her is precision. Every word, movement, idea is precise with her. I noticed this first while riding in her car. She would make lane changes I was sure was going to kill us, but she always wound up right in the spot she needed to be and with plenty of room around her. That's why I was ribbing her about her driving in that other post, because it freaked me out. I think she just has a better grasp of the spatial aspect of things and she knows her car how big it is, where it can and can't go. Her stride is very precise too as is the way she carries herself when she walks. Head up, hands in pockets, even and direct steps. I like her arrogant confidence. She will not move out of anyone's way while walking, they have to move. I've been with her and she just straight walked into people who didn't move. Don't play chicken with her, lol. When she is about to walk right into some people she starts humming "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve. In the video for the song, the guy just walks down the street running into people and not caring when they yell at him for bumping into them.
She's not perfect. She knows that about herself and hates it. She's still pretty damn great though. There are things about her that are probably irritating or frustrating to a lot of people. Like her strict ideas about rules. She is very details and rules oriented, which can be good and bad. She sometimes will not let go of the details or gets upset when there is a lack of rules or guidelines. I think she said that in a post about relationships on her blog somewhere. The irony of a girl whose first name is a variant of the goddess of chaos being obsessive about order is not lost on me. I find it amusing.
She has a strong sense of justice and loyalty. For example, that whole revenge for the bum thing. I was riding with her when that happened. It was the first time I had ever seen her snap into a rage. She is a force in a good mood, she is armageddon when she is pissed. I can't say I disagree with her vigilante justice, but I think she could stand to remember that life is not fair and she can't correct all the wrongs. She could get herself into trouble, and nobody wants that. She thinks loyalty is prized, and she does not like those who are disloyal to others or to themselves. I heard only briefly bits of the story of her ex and I think her sense of trusting others to not backstab her is very damaged after that. On the other side of the same coin, she is loyal to a fault. She let me read her writing notebooks, one of the ones I flipped through was completely about her ex. In my opinion, based on what she wrote, she should have left him at the first sign of trouble. She was very tormented because of her loyalty to something she knew was not returned. She had sworn her loyalty, and regardless if someone else took it seriously or not, she was dead serious and stood by it til the end. It's noble, but at the same time she got very hurt in the process and went through some crap she didn't need to. Granted, the guy was kinda sketch about things and she gave him the benefit of the doubt, but she even wrote about the whole thing being sketchy. It wasn't like she was unaware. As she summed it up for me "I was loyal to a fault". She really was. Her loyalty was being abused and she was aware of it but she still stood by it. I'm kinda angry it was abused and I'm kinda angry she had to go down in flames for it. I'm frustrated with her for standing by it, because I know how much it hurt her. I guess this kinda goes with her thing for rules. Loyalty is a rule of hers.
I know all about the autism and how it can affect her. Not only did she explain it to me but my little sister is autistic too. So I have previous knowledge of how frustrating it can get. I guess it helps me be patient with Aeris when it gets aggravating. Most people can't, it seems like. As much as she doesn't want it to be an issue between her and others, it's the elephant in the room. She gets upset when she realizes she's being aggravating and it can go downhill pretty quick. From what little I know and with what bias it comes with, I think that may have been an issue with her ex. She's amazing all the way around but she keeps herself from people because she assumes they'll get irritated and just turn their back to her. Which says a lot about those people, none of it good, the experiences Aeris has had, and that it's also rough on her.
She is not secretive about preferring white guys and I asked her why she's into me, and I'm a bit darker than her. She jokingly told me my blue eyes overrode that part. She's also jealous I'm biracial with blue eyes and she got "shit brown". What she needs to know is behind her eyes lies her complete beauty, the color of them is not important. She's gonna make gagging sounds because that's sappy. I can already hear it. She is the most hopeless romantic I've ever met but yet complains about sappy stuff.
I hope she doesn't mind I'm totally writing a wall of words about her. I think there's a lot about her that should be seen from a view less critical than that of her own.
Like, I'm pretty sure there isn't anything she can't do. The girl can sing and she has a very strong but beautiful voice. She sang for me once, very briefly, on her own and she was very shy about it. But I trick her into singing. When she is driving, she likes her music loud so no one can hear her singing along. If there is no conversation, which there isn't if I don't start it, she'll sing along to her music. So I slowly over the course of a few minutes turn the volume down on the radio when she is looking elsewhere until her voice stands out. The girl can sing really well. She blames the volume change on each song being different volumes, but she's gonna know the truth whenever she reads this. Don't be mad, Badass, your singing voice is addictive.
She can also dance really well. She always looks choreographed when she does. She just seems to instinctively know just how to move. She flows when she dances.
The singing and dancing and music while driving lead me to something else extraordinary about her. She has a connection to music beyond comprehension. She's always listening to music. To watch her sing or dance, or even just listen to music you can see there's some sort of connection that can't be explained. It's not just entertainment for her, it's something else.
She's so unique in what kind of woman she is, it's no wonder she has me acting like a slobbering idiot over her. I admit I'm completely infatuated with her. She knows it. Regardless of anything and I really mean anything unlike others that have been in her life, we'll always be friends. I know she wants to leave UNM next fall and I'll be gone most of the semester, another combo of reasons why we're just enjoying each other without the guise of commitment or anything. At this point though, I don't want to be without her because of how she spins my world. She spins it so that my viewpoint is completely different. I see things a bit differently and definitely laugh more and have more fun. I never want to lose that regardless of what she is to me.
Because she promised she wouldn't delete anything I wrote, I'm going to embarrass her a bit. :) She does these little things that are nothing short of adorable. When she is going through a stoplight, but only on left turns and driving straight, when she gets into the intersection she goes "Aeris go VRRRRRM!" She never does this on the highway or at high speeds, it's almost always she is going really slow. She bites the right side of her bottom lip when she is being coy/flirty, and the left side when she is really thinking hard. She does this high pitched voice sometimes when she is playfully throwing a tantrum. Like I took her pen to write something down quickly and she went "NOOOO gimmegimmegimmegimmegimme!" in the cutest voice. She smiles while kissing and blushes afterwards, even during a quick kiss on the lips. She is very facially expressive and makes all these cute faces for different reasons. Her "you just did something stupid" face is my fav. She starts random games of tag, we'll be walking somewhere and she will go "TAG YOU'RE IT" and then take off at a dead sprint giggling. When she sees the moon she goes "moooooon". She's so cute when she pouts, it's hard to take her seriously. Not so universally cute, but the girl can belch like an airhorn and is completely unapologetic about it. She randomly wanders off even in mid conversation to go look at a fountain or check out something shiny she saw. When she starts giggling, it's highly contagious and the next thing I know I am a grown man giggling loudly in public for no reason whatsoever except that she is.
I'd been working on writing this off and on all day, but I had to stop because this evening Aeris came over for dinner and we watched a movie. I had bought a couple of bottles of her favorite wine, and we had a blast. She's had a rough week with a 3 credit hour class shoved into five 8 hour days, trying to plan out her final project and doing loads of writing homework every night. That and the wine all caught up to her, and she fell asleep on my shoulder while we were watching the movie. I carried her from the couch to the bed (this doesn't go where you think it does) and tucked her in so she could just sleep. That's where she is now, sleeping in the other room. She giggles even in her sleep, which you can file under adorable things she does.
After all the thinking and writing I've done about her, then dinner/movie, and then watching her sleep, I feel like she's been stealing pieces of my heart. I'm just kinda going with it because I love the way she makes me feel. The more I think about it the more I realize being half a world away from her is going to hit me harder than I thought. She's going away for almost a week next week and even just that kinda has me with the blues. She is so completely unique, truly unique, and amazing that I can't get enough.
I think if there was anything I really wanted to convey about her is she is unlike anything else that's ever been. My life and how I see it is forever changed by this girl. I hope others who she meets through life see that and recognize that the effort you give to her is returned many times over by her in ways you may not even understand.
Saturday there's a Lobos game and, of course, we're going together. After that I'm Aerisless for a few days, and I'll miss the crap out of her. Right now though, I'm going to go into the other room, kiss that girl on the cheek and hold her close while I fall asleep. She'll read this in the morning and she'll have a thing or two to say, I'm sure. But she asked for my views and experiences with her, and I gave a lot of that. Took me a long time to write though, but I think it has value of its own.

^Ryan^