Primordial Chaos

Can't nobody, make you do what you don't want to, you've got to trust what is inside, it's the only way.

Lyrics from Written In The Stars by JD73 and Nate James. Love that line.

Alright, after lots of thinking, I'm pulling myself back together. I knew I was better earlier when I didn't want to listen to sad songs in my car like I have been. Since whatever I'm listening to reflects my mindset, no sad songs is a very good thing.

I'm not over all of this...mess. I still miss his voice, miss laughing with him, and whenever a good memory is triggered I get kind of sad, but it's not crushing me like it was. All this other stuff around me needs my attention, I can't just ignore it. They also function as distractions, so that's helpful.  All I can really do is trudge forward and try not to look back too much.

My friends have been really great through all this, very supportive and helpful.  Long talks, emails, texts, IMs checking on me while still giving me my space. Thanks guys, well those of you that read this. Thanks to everyone that's been understanding and standing behind me, really. Especially those who let me vent to them.

As I suspected would happen, I gave up my personal writing and running, well training, while in that crushing depression. I forced myself to write here and tweet and whatever just so I stayed writing of some sort. But the ease and enjoyment of it was gone. And to a lesser degree, still is. My flow is all fucked up, and even for this, where I'm just writing whatever, it's hard to stay on track or even want to. I've lost a lot of skills over the years, many of which I've given up during a depression. I can't let writing go though. Too useful, too important.

On top of all this emotional crap, I've been chain sick. I went from flu to cold to bacterial eye infection without any days of recovery or feeling pretty good in between. Wears you down pretty fast, but then throw in the other shit, and it's a wonder I could get up in the morning. I had a day or two where I couldn't, actually. I ran my morning errands, then went home and cried myself to sleep instead of going to class. What a horrible feeling. I hate crying, I see it as weakness. Even though I cry the most out of any one I know. I'm sometimes pretty weak when it comes to dealing with shit. This is one of those times. I'm glass-hearted. I wish I wasn't. Sometimes I wish I had a heart of stone. But wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which one fills up first.

I love my car. LOVE MY CAR. It's cute, it's fun, it's kinda impractical, you can take the top down, open the windows, turn up the music and just drive. It's fun to drive, really. At least once a day I think "Whoa, I'm really driving a stick shift!". I'd had this extreme aversion to it for so long that the fact I do it on a daily basis blows my mind. Then I bought a car that was a stick shift, so I HAD to learn. I fell for my car so hard that I was willing to learn a stick to have it. I'm ridiculous, I know. But come on, it's BLUE, it's a CONVERTIBLE, it's been well cared for and has all kinds of cool aftermarket stuff on it...the HID Xenon gas headlights are REALLY awesome. That car fits me, I think. Though a lot of my guy friends were like "That's such a girly car, why the hell did you get it?". I'm just one of the guys to them. :P

Ah, the Xenon headlights. I've had way too much fun with the fucking headlights. First, some terminology for the older readers. :P When I say ricer, I'm referring to cars that have been modified in a very asian manner. These are the cars with those ridiculous large spoilers on the back. The guys who drive these tend to have my car is better than yours attitudes, and in my experiences love to talk about their car. Lots of mods are done to these cars, you know there's a mod in progress if you see primer somewhere on the car. :P But bright headlights, bodykits, lowering, stereo systems, you get the idea.

So, my car is modified and an asian brand car (Honda) but my car is NOT a ricer. It's walking a fine line though. Mine is lowered, the special headlights, couple of aftermarket changes to the body, but nothing obnoxious. However, ricers seem to have a real problem with me. (well, my car) They're always revving their engines at me at streetlights, pulling up next to me yelling (I never know what they say, I listen to my music kinda loud. :P) trying to street race me, etc. I generally ignore them. I will however rev my engine back at them sometimes like I want to race from a light...but that's because I know there's a cop up ahead since they hide in the same spots all the time, so the ricers TAKE OFF from the light and get busted. This is one of my favorite things to do while driving. Guys on motorcycles fall for this too. I'm laughing right now thinking about it. I usually get 1-2 people a week with this. Idiot guys with a need to prove something. I've got something to prove too. I'm smarter than them. :P

Ok back to my main point about having fun with the headlights. The Xenon lights are VERY BRIGHT. They also light up a huge area, I've seen my lights hit areas 30 ft tall and who knows how wide. They're street legal here so I'm not at risk for a ticket or anything. Now, I love driving at night because I have these bright headlights that seem to irritate other drivers. What would be my brights are actually regular headlights, so I usually do switch to the standard lights for standard errand running. But some nights I feel like showing off and/or being a pest, so I turn on the Xenons. Shortly after I do so, or I've entered a lane with the lights on, all cars in front of me get the hell out from in front of me. There have been times where I'm in the left lane and it's clear in front of me but the right lane is heavy traffic because everyone tried to get away from my lights.  That's entertaining, but my favorite is those people who have to race around you to be the car in front of you at the stoplight or whatever. I will not go more than 5 over under any circumstances, so people get all huffy and pass me on the right (that's illegal) then get in front of me. Which they immediately regret because their rear view and side mirrors are blinding them by reflecting my lights. So then they get over to the right lane and LET ME PASS because they don't wanna deal with the lights. Which makes me laugh after the big deal they made to get around me. People on the phone without handsfree/texting get hit with the lights too. They either now can't see the phone to text or get off the phone because they now have to pay more attention to the road. People going the other direction often flash their lights at me because they think I have my brights on. Like I said, way too much fun with headlights.

A story that happened within the past week, I was out running errands one evening, but I did not have my Xenons on, just the standards. So, this guy in a ricer spots my car, assumes I'm a fellow ricer or something, and he follows me to the grocery store parking lot and parks right in front of my car. First, he about shit bricks when he realized a girl drove the car. (my friends think it's a girly car, others expect a guy to be driving it, go figure) But then he starts asking about my car, wants to look at the engine, and at one point says "girls don't mod their cars as nice as guys do" then tells me what I should do to my car to make it "better". I roll my eyes, but stay polite. He then talks about his car and all the money he's put into it, all the stuff he wants to do to it, etc. I guess because I actually know a few things about cars and understood what he was saying, he started hitting on me pretty blatantly. I'm still trying to be nice one because it's good social skills practice and two he seems like a nice, if overly talkative, guy. So he really starts talking up his car, trying to impress me. At one point he says, I have these super bright headlights, they're top notch, everyone is amazed at how bright they are, yada yada. I'm curious knowing I have Xenons, so I ask him to turn them on. What he has is standard headlights with bulbs colored to give off that similar purple blue color gas ones do. He has these on his brights so they light up more area and increase the appearance of gas lights, but they aren't much brighter than regular headlights. So I said, hey let me turn on mine (he thinks I have standard lights/bulbs) so we can compare and see just how bright his lights are. Now, I'm trying really hard to not laugh while I'm getting in my car to turn on the lights, but I'm fucking entertained about how much talking up and bragging he did about his car and headlights. Anyways, I'm intently watching his face since he's in between our cars to see the headlights. Then I hit my Xenons, and the light is made by heated gas. I watch him get blinded and start squinting, then see a hint of embarassment on his face after all the bragging he did. So I walk over and he's like whoa, you have actual gas lights, man those are way brighter than mine, and he's quite apparently impressed.

I said: "If you had as much hot air in your headlights as you do coming from your mouth, maybe I would have been impressed with you and your car." Then I walked back to my car and drove off, deciding I should probably go to a different grocery store so he didn't follow me around.

WAY too much fun with headlights. I think I laugh more while driving than anywhere else. I have a bit of a mischievous streak. :)

You have to enjoy the ridiculousness of life and laugh at it, yourself, and others. Life's too short to take everything seriously. Something I need to remember from time to time.

~A.